Now almost 6 years old and growing up too fast, I can only feel one thing as a father and that is pride! I am so proud of my daughter of how she has grown and developed over the past 5 years. She is so inquisitive and bright, it amazes me when I step back and see, what was once a soft squishy little baby, is now a fully grown young lady.
I feel such joy in what relationship I have with my daughter, we play and dance and sing, we often have very silly moments (usually its me thats being very silly and Amber just laughs at my randomness). I am a strong believer in being a supportive and caring father for her, and that I can give her everything in life that she needs.
But as of late, when my depression reared its ugly head, I feel a big cloud of guilt over me. As for the first time in Ambers life she doesn't have her daddy that she knows and loves. I mean she has me around the house and I still do all the things I would do normally with her, but now I feel this guilt and a question always pops into my head, "How do I tell my 5 year old daughter, that I love and adore, that daddies poorly and doesn't know when he is going to be better again?".
On many separate occasions its been apparent to me that I know Amber is a bright young lady and knows that everything isn't normal with her daddy. This first became apparent to me one bed time when for the first time Amber spoke to me about her thoughts on how her daddy is:
Amber: "Daddy, your poorly aren't you?"
Me: "Yes Sweetheart, daddy is poorly"
Amber: "Whats wrong daddy? Is it your head?"
Me: "Sort of Sweetie, its hard to explain"
Amber: "So the doctor gave you some tablets to make the poorly go away?"
Me: "Yes Darling, the doctor gave daddy some pills to help him get better"
Amber: "But they make you sick daddy?"
Me: "I know sweetie, thats what the pills can do at first"
Amber: "But they make my daddy cry, please don't cry daddy, it makes me want to cry"
Me: *holding back tears* "I know darling I'm sorry, daddy cant help it sometimes though"
Amber: *stroking my face* "Don't cry daddy, its ok, please don't cry it makes me want to cry, I love you daddy"
Me: *tears streaming down my face* "I love you too sweetheart"
Amber: *crying* "Don't be sad daddy, I don't like my daddy being sad"
Me: "Sweetie, daddies going to have to go downstairs, you go to sleep my princess, I love you"
For the first time in 5 years, I had to walk away from my crying daughter. The feeling I get from that is regret, I regret walking away from her while she was upset. I should of comforted her and reassured her that everything was going to be ok, But my depression said to me that I couldn't do it and seeing how my illness was effecting my gorgeous little daughter almost broke me. It almost broke me as a man, It absolutely destroyed me inside, that this thing that was consuming me was effecting the most precious thing in my life, my little girl.
Many times I sit and think about that night and how it made me feel, and its one of the things that said to me, no I am going to fight this, I need to do this for my daughter, I need to do this for Amber! I have had points along this tough journey where I have thought I couldn't go on and that I thought I was going to give into it, but ive either taken one look at Amber or thought about how proud I am of her, its made me fight on, its given me inner strength to battle this illness and be the father I once was for her.
I am very lucky and blessed to have such an amazing daughter, I know all parents are going to be biased towards there children, but Amber genuinely is an amazing young lady. You only have to spend a little bit of time with her to realise and experience what an amazing little girl she is.
As I battle on with this depression, Amber always comes and sits with me and snuggles into me. She gives me comfort by stroking my face and beard. She tells me that she loves me and that I'm the best daddy ever. On occasion she says to me "Daddy, your not going to cry today are you? I don`t like it when you cry" As before this would have made me, a grown man, be reduced to a crying emotional wreak, but now it calms me now and reassures me that Amber is looking out for her daddy and is caring for him. It also makes me realise that its a strong sign for me that I am on the way to recovery, but I can't say for sure when that will be, I can only battle on for love of my daughter!
As you may know, my main reason for doing this blog is to show my photography, and I am so lucky that I have such a willing model and photogenic daughter, that I can share pictures like the below image with you. Like I said earlier, your always going to be biased towards your own child, but she truly is beautiful!
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