One step forward, Two steps back

Hello again, I haven't done a post for a while so I thought I'd give you all am update as to what is happening with myself currently.

The past few weeks have been a real mixed bag of stories. Last time i posted i talked about an instance with my daughter that kept me sane and kept me going. Since that post, alot has happened. 

A couple of weeks ago I had another appointment with the doctors. I was concerned about my anxiety and having strong panic attacks. So the doctor has prescribed me with some pills to help keep me calm and they seem to be working, I have only felt panicked a couple of times since then, so they must be working! yes a result, something actually works! 

While still off work on sick leave, I found myself increasingly taking regular photos and walking and spending time with my amazing and special friend, these times will always stay with me and be a happy memory for me through what has been a very tough and hard time for me. I couldn't have asked for more than such happy times to keep me on track.

Although, I have still had dark times to deal with. The doctor wanted me to go and see a counsellor, so he arranged it and i was to go and meet her for an hours session to assess where I am. The lady who I went to see was lovely, shes wasn't judgemental or opinionated, she just sat and ask me questions and listened. She did pre-warn me though we would have to talk about not nice things but they need to know everything about why I had been referred. Its hard enough talking to the people close to me about what made me think I didn't want to be here any more, never mind being sat in a strange room with a stranger and talking in detail about how I wanted to take my own life. Its hard for me to go into details because it upsets me to know I am upsetting my loved ones and the people that I care about, but to sit there and talk about such things can turn a person. I had to get out of there, i had to be alone and be where i could shake away the thoughts again. I found that a long walk and a photography session helped me dearly, and the photo below was taken while on that very walk, while trying to get suicidal thoughts out of my head, that had been re-kindled inside me.

After this serious kick up the arse for me, I had many chats with my close friend and this friend made it all make sense to me. I had a reason to be here and a reason not to leave everything behind and be selfish and stupid. This also gave me the strength to think about returning to work. So after a couple of days I was ready to head back and attempt work. I had sorted to only return on half days. The first day back was very hard and an emotional experience for me. Once I had settled and gained alot of support from my colleagues I was able to complete the week.

On the following Monday I had another doctors appointment. He is still concerned about my lack of sleep and that I only manage 2-3 hours a night. So his suggestion was that he was going to double my medication to `knock me out` at night so I could sleep. But doubling the medication had its effects. The next day I was sick as a dog and I had returned back to my former and unwelcomed sickness and feeling like shite phase. I felt like I had hit rock bottom again and I had ruined everything I had worked towards getting out of this depressive state. The following few days i was unable to attend work. Over the past weekend it took alot of effort and courage to get my mind into the right frame of mind to beat this and to fight it and be strong enough to go back to work.

So I sit here writing this on the following Tuesday having gone back to work, albeit finding the experience tough and tiring, Ive been given the strength to carry on and be the man I once was, and there is only one reason I have this strength, but this reason will remain with me.

Nothing can separate me from the love of my daughter

On December 7th 2006 at just after 19:10, I got my first glimpse of one of the most beautiful and most amazing things ive ever seen, my daughter Amber. This moment will stay with me forever as I saw my princess being born.

Now almost 6 years old and growing up too fast, I can only feel one thing as a father and that is pride! I am so proud of my daughter of how she has grown and developed over the past 5 years. She is so inquisitive and bright, it amazes me when I step back and see, what was once a soft squishy little baby, is now a fully grown young lady.

I feel such joy in what relationship I have with my daughter, we play and dance and sing, we often have very silly moments (usually its me thats being very silly and Amber just laughs at my randomness). I am a strong believer in being a supportive and caring father for her, and that I can give her everything in life that she needs. 

But as of late, when my depression reared its ugly head, I feel a big cloud of guilt over me. As for the first time in Ambers life she doesn't have her daddy that she knows and loves. I mean she has me around the house and I still do all the things I would do normally with her, but now I feel this guilt and a question always pops into my head, "How do I tell my 5 year old daughter, that I love and adore, that daddies poorly and doesn't know when he is going to be better again?".

On many separate occasions its been apparent to me that I know Amber is a bright young lady and knows that everything isn't normal with her daddy. This first became apparent to me one bed time when for the first time Amber spoke to me about her thoughts on how her daddy is:

Amber: "Daddy, your poorly aren't you?"
Me: "Yes Sweetheart, daddy is poorly"
Amber: "Whats wrong daddy? Is it your head?"
Me: "Sort of Sweetie, its hard to explain"
Amber: "So the doctor gave you some tablets to make the poorly go away?"
Me: "Yes Darling, the doctor gave daddy some pills to help him get better"
Amber: "But they make you sick daddy?"
Me: "I know sweetie, thats what the pills can do at first"
Amber: "But they make my daddy cry, please don't cry daddy, it makes me want to cry"
Me: *holding back tears* "I know darling I'm sorry, daddy cant help it sometimes though"
Amber: *stroking my face* "Don't cry daddy, its ok, please don't cry it makes me want to cry, I love you daddy"
Me: *tears streaming down my face* "I love you too sweetheart"
Amber: *crying* "Don't be sad daddy, I don't like my daddy being sad"
Me: "Sweetie, daddies going to have to go downstairs, you go to sleep my princess, I love you"

For the first time in 5 years, I had to walk away from my crying daughter. The feeling I get from that is regret, I regret walking away from her while she was upset. I should of comforted her and reassured her that everything was going to be ok, But my depression said to me that I couldn't do it and seeing how my illness was effecting my gorgeous little daughter almost broke me. It almost broke me as a man, It absolutely destroyed me inside, that this thing that was consuming me was effecting the most precious thing in my life, my little girl.

Many times I sit and think about that night and how it made me feel, and its one of the things that said to me, no I am going to fight this, I need to do this for my daughter, I need to do this for Amber! I have had points along this tough journey where I have thought I couldn't go on and that I thought I was going to give into it, but ive either taken one look at Amber or thought about how proud I am of her, its made me fight on, its given me inner strength to battle this illness and be the father I once was for her.

I am very lucky and blessed to have such an amazing daughter, I know all parents are going to be biased towards there children, but Amber genuinely is an amazing young lady. You only have to spend a little bit of time with her to realise and experience what an amazing little girl she is. 

As I battle on with this depression, Amber always comes and sits with me and snuggles into me. She gives me comfort by stroking my face and beard. She tells me that she loves me and that I'm the best daddy ever. On occasion she says to me "Daddy, your not going to cry today are you? I don`t like it when you cry" As before this would have made me, a grown man, be reduced to a crying emotional wreak, but now it calms me now and reassures me that Amber is looking out for her daddy and is caring for him. It also makes me realise that its a strong sign for me that I am on the way to recovery, but I can't say for sure when that will be, I can only battle on for love of my daughter!

As you may know, my main reason for doing this blog is to show my photography, and I am so lucky that I have such a willing model and photogenic daughter, that I can share pictures like the below image with you. Like I said earlier, your always going to be biased towards your own child, but she truly is beautiful!

Hello and Welcome

Hello and welcome everyone, my name is Andy, I am 28 years old and have decided to create this blog to talk about the many topics that we get involved in through our lives. These topics will mainly include my interests, which will become apparent the more I post these. It is mainly going to be about my day to day life but it will include one of my main passions which is photography. I will post a selection of photos which I have taken, and this will probably be about the subject matter. 

Anyway, I chose upon the name "Lost and Confused" because I find myself sat in the middle of a state of depression, which is at the forefront of my life at the moment. It is leaving me with a sense of being lost and confused, I hope to use my blog as a form of therapy and to hopefully communicate with people about how I am in myself and how I see the world around me. Being in the position I find myself in, I do find it hard to say exactly what is rolling around in my head, so I thought it best to make this blog so I can be more vocal without actually having to say anything.

My main goal for this blog is to share my photos and my view on the world, but to also try and reach out to like minded people who will not judge and not be opinionated about my illness. I know we all have our opinions but if my point of view can be heard and understood by at least one person then I will consider this venture a success. Even if only one person reads this and thinks it isn't a load of nonsense then I will be a very happy man

So, onto our first Photograph, the below image was taken at a local spot near my house that I love to go walking around. It is an old pit site, which has been converted into a country park since the pit closed and was demolished in 1992. A main feature of this park is a monument statue to commemorate the local pit sites that have been demolished over the past few decades. This statue, named "Testing for Gas", stands on top of the highest man made point in Nottinghamshire. As the photo shows it is an amazing sight at the moment of a sunset.

I hope to post regularly, maybe twice a week to keep this blog going. I am very happy to receive feedback

Thank you for taking time out to read this and I hope to gain your views over the following and upcoming blogs

Andy